Death in the Apocalypse

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6. Zombification

You’re back on the road, with no place to call home, and you’ve got through your last potatoes. There’s no choice but to raid an abandoned gas station. You’re creeping through the gloomy aisles when you notice a streak of blood across the floor… There’s a clang from the row behind you. “Hello?” you call out, drawing your pistol. There’s an ominous groan. Like a human with a really bad hangover. Closer inspection reveals a zombie lurking in the shadows. God dammit, you told those city cannibals not to eat the brains. Now they’ve all mutated into true monsters. Quick, aim for the head!

Check out: The Girl with All the Gifts

7. Death by alien

You race out of the gas station, outpacing the zombie, but disaster strikes: an alien spaceship is hovering overhead. It’s not a retro 50s saucer, more of a 21st century drone ship. You’ve got a sneaking suspicion it was them who detonated the EMP, and now they’re here to spank you again. But as the ship touches down your heart flutters – these aliens are plant-based! Maybe they’ve come to rescue all of Earth’s surviving vegans? That thought is dashed as one of the aliens snatches a passer-by in its tentacles and ingests her for breakfast. Ugh, this is so unfair. Don’t they know you drink almond milk?

Check out: The Day of the Triffids

8. Old school infection

The aliens are closing in. You’ve not washed properly in a year but that doesn’t seem to deter them – if anything, it’s added seasoning. Suddenly, a rocket-propelled grenade smashes into their spaceship. A rag-tag band of human rebels are fighting back! The aliens vaporize them in a matter of seconds, but the commotion lasts just long enough for you to make a getaway. However, in your bid to escape, you vault a rusty fence and cut yourself. Over the coming days, the cut becomes infected. Yup, after years of fleeing futuristic threats you’re gonna die slowly and miserably from Tetanus. All because your anti-vaxxer parents wouldn’t let you get the jabs as a kid and you were too lazy as a college student to get it yourself. Karma’s a bitch.

Check out: The Perfect Predator

9. Failed raid

So, now you’re desperate and infected. There’s only one way to survive: you gotta go back to the cities and find a pharmacy. You buddy up with another straggler on the road, each making a super-solid pact not to eat each other and enjoying some overdue sexual tension (despite you clearly looking like shit and running a high fever). You two reach the pharmacy but it’s guarded by a gang who are controlling all the supplies. You try bartering with them but you’ve got nothing to trade and they chuck you out. So you wait until night time and raid the place. The only problem is: post-apocalyptic law demands that one of your duo dies in a tragic act of self-sacrifice. Will it be you?

Check out: The Wandering Earth

10. Betrayal

Not the self-sacrificing type, hey? Fair enough. This is all about surviving the apocalypse, after all. You needed those meds, and the gang was demanding something of value in return. What better than your new friend’s organs? The raid is a set up, and the gang captures your companion. Betrayal complete, you schlep off with a bagful of Tetanus meds. You make a note to yourself to tell the story differently, if anyone asks what happens.

Check out: The Quiet at the End of the World

Survivor’s guilt?

Congratulations, you made it to through Armageddon alive! All you had to do was compromise every single one of your principles in a brutal, amoral race to the bottom. I hope it was worth it. Enjoy repopulating the Earth with your fellow sociopaths, I’m sure it’ll be a really terrific place to visit.

Wish you’d done things differently? Check out the next issue – I’ll be bringing you the Top 10 Ways to Survive an Apocalypse.

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